Late night open thread

Stand up routine night, two drink minimum...

A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. ‘You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?’ she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, ‘I didn’t know there were any witnesses. Now I’ll have to kill you too.
--Jake Johansen

My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.’
--Paula Poundstone

In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?
--Warren Hutcherson

I took my parents back to the airport today. They leave tomorrow.
--Margaret Smith

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck. But my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
--Steven Wright

I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
--A. Whitney Brown

I’ve had a wonderful evening - but this wasn’t it.
--Groucho Marx

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Time for Jersey City, After Dark