Johnny's breakup letter with Michigan

First off Michigan, it's not Johnny, it's you. We just need to set the parameters of this breakup, it's you.

Michigan, what the fuck is wrong with you? After Tuesday Johnny can no longer come back to you in good conscience (his elderly mother's health not withstanding) and stay or spend dime one with you fuckers. Not one dime. If the time comes when Johnny DOES have to come back for a sad last trip pertaining to his mother he's going through Canada so as to not spend dime one in Pennsylvania either (most knew the sister-fucking no-driving citizens of Ohio were already voting for the Cheeto-faced Shitgibbon). Michigan, you really really fucked up Tuesday.

First off, to any Michigan residents reading this, you've become a laughingstock along the eastern seaboard. Barack Obama bailed out the auto industry against great odds and at great political peril and this is how you thank him, with a guy who would have let you rot on the vine. Classic. Yes, most people out here Johnny has talked to are really thinking Michigan is filled with low-information goofs right now.

And look at you. You've re-elected a failed governor both economically AND morally bankrupt in serial poisoner Rick Snyder. You had a chance to throw him out Michigan and you voted for him again and then Flint happened not only on his watch, but on his coverup. He's STILL your governor. Sure, you may wanna throw Chris Christie back in Johnny's face and Johnny cannot and will not defend The Outlaw Jersey Whale, BUT Christie's faults are his own and apart from some traffic he's basically hurt himself whereas Snyder has hurt (and some of the Legionnaire's disease cases in Flint have died) men, women and children with his stupidity. Nary even a recall petition.

Michigan people are wondering where the yelling at them stops and where the breakup terms are discussed, fine, here you go, Michigan. No more. No more visits, no more trips to Mackinac Island, or Saugatuck or Kalamazoo or Ypsilanti. No more Zingermann's or Vernors orders to the house. No more Shinola watches, no more team jerseys or shirts ie MSU, Lions, Red Wings et al. No more domestic car buying. Ouch, that's right, no more domestic car buying. Well, not from GM, Chrysler or Ford anyway. Some other carmakers because of factories here claim to make 'domestic cars' even if with an asterisk. Seriously, Johnny has been a domestic auto buyer since he was 19. Never ever ever thought he wouldn't buy a piece of Detroit steel when the time came. No more. Why take it out on companies? Easy, what did they have to say about Trump during the election? They said nothing. Well, not nothing exactly, Ford did step up to the plate to defy Trump, but only to tell him they weren't moving to Mexico. Nothing about his tone, tenor, lies, sexual assault language, and nothing from Detroit's Big Three. Great, you said nothing, now deal with the consequences. It's odd as well because Johnny worked with (not for) GM Communications for many many years and knows how hard both Ford and GM were making outreach to the gay community and to other minorities a so-called priority, guess not huh? Nothing from them maybe because they didn't want to upset the union help. Johnny knows goddamned well how the UAW voted, he's seen these guys, broken bread with them, lived around these guys for decades, they were Trump voters. Oh yes, a lot of them were. Guys whom without the current Democrat would be living in the road eating from garbage cans picked a guy who in 2008 would have had them do just that. Fuck Detroit's automakers, silence is consent. Johnny's buying a Subaru next time, suck on that Wolverine State.

So, Michigan, you've fucked yourself to the point you've become a laughingstock. You did it to yourself, nobody helped you get to the place you're in today but you and your voters. You'll have to live with that in your own pathetic world because Johnny's not coming back. He and Mrs. Johnny always thought they'd buy a lot on a small secluded lake in northern Michigan and build a cabin on it and retire, the good years.

That lake just got moved to Vermont, or Massachusetts, or New Hampshire, or New Jersey or New York. Bye Michigan, hope your garbage cans are full up, with the guy you just voted for you're gonna need them to be. Maybe you can share with Wisconsin or Pennsylvania when you run out.

Some things are unforgivable, this was one.