Every year America loses it's mind over the Super Bowl. Everyone but Johnny. He's a Browns fan. Do you know how horrid it is NEVER cheering for a team in the Super Bowl EVER? Sure, you might not like one team, Dallas, Pittsburgh, Baltimore, Denver and New England all roll of the tongue but they've all won shitpiles of Super Bowl trophies. The Browns (and Lions and Jaguars) have never been. Yes, so "Go other guy" gets real old real fast.
But Johnny. those ads, they're the best. Well, maybe some are but some won't be. Two words, farting horse. Besides, the Super Bowl ads didn't all used to "leak" (no doubt by the companies themselves believe it or not) a week before. Watch them now if you want at your leisure. The Wizard of Oz kind of lost some of it's mojo once it wasn't on teevee ONCE a year around Easter time. That was it. You saw it or you lost. With basic cable it was on TBS and elsewhere all the time. Those 1984 Apple and Mean Joe Greene Coke ads are a bygone era. Ads built for impact not entertainment value to be viewed on YouTube on a loop.
The players Johnny, you've gotta love those players. Johnny's a Michigan State fan and Tom Brady went to Michigan. Johnny is a Browns fan and Falcons starting center Alex Mack bolted the Browns first chance he got. Hall-of-Famer in-waiting Joe Thomas is the answer to the immediate question/statement about leaving the Browns that jumped to the front of your mind.
Some of those halftime shows though, they've been great you cynical Johnny you. What if we, as a nation, see another boob? What if we as a nation have to watch another rock star or band mail in a performance with local kids ambling around on the field while they play the worstest ever thing in music, "the medley." Lady Gaga seems like a great person who truly has her head and heart in the right place but Johnny's not a fan of her sound. Gladiator fights. Now THAT would bring Johnny back for halftimes. Big old Punic War reenactments with flashing lights and great battle music. It's football, and gladiator fights fit that image perfectly. While Johnny's all about improving the Super Bowl while not watching it, here's a suggestion for those in power at the NFL to tune in more viewers (and he simply cannot believe you didn't come up with this yourselves, perhaps too busy molding fake patriotic initiatives eh?) and make the Super Bowl and ever BIGGER spectacle. The camera spends how much awkward time looking for celebrities in the crowd during the game? Screw that. Take the time you spend showing celebrities and use that for a replay or Troy Aikman drawing all over the screen. Why not have a Super Bowl RED CARPET arrival for celebrities? Celebrities LOVE this shit and for some reason people like seeing famous people on red carpets. So, NFL, have a red carpet show for all the celebs showing up before the game and then everyone will already know who's there. You're welcome.
Today however, for the first time in forever, Johnny's not going to a party, Mrs. Johnny is out of town, nobody is coming over. Johnny doesn't have to watch one goddamned minute and doesn't plan to. He may check the score online, he might goad fans on Twitter, but yeah, this Browns fan is done for the season.
Showing posts with label atlanta falcons. Show all posts
Showing posts with label atlanta falcons. Show all posts
Sunday, February 5, 2017
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Another day of playoff football awaits
Who ya got Jersey City? Will the Falcons finally shed the "playoff loser" mantle bestowed upon them by even the casual fan or will the Seahawks from waaaaay up there in Seattle stay on the hot ride they're on? Will pretty boy Brady be able to keep working his Foxboro in January magic now that a win ensures a rematch of last year's AFC title game with the Ravens? Can Houston gain some advantage in that it'll be in the mid-50's in New England today?
And where's the nacho chips? Are we out?
And where's the nacho chips? Are we out?
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Giants football gameday -- Playoff Edition!!!!
Enough exclamation points? Does it meet the level of excitment for this game? Like beatwriter Dickie Dunn in Slapshot, Johnny's just trying to capture the spirit of the thing.
Weather, gorgeous, advantage Falcons. No, really. The Falcons rely heavily on the ground game. The Giants front four could have a much easier time bottling that up in the snow or sleet or a cold rain. Matt Ryan won't have to face those famous swirling Meadowlands-area winds. All in all this isn't bad for a dome team to have to play in.
As for Matt Ryan and Eli Manning (We notice those Mark Sanchez Toyota ads have gone missing), Advantage Giants. Eli is playing well, he's playing with confidence. Matt Ryan is still in search of a signature win. Sooner or later every one of these up and coming next great talent QB is going to need to win a playoff game on the road. Ryan still hasn't done that. Until he does we feel pretty safe to say unless Eli got some bad butter on his toast for breakfast he's the better quarterback.
Can the Giants stop Atlanta on the ground? That's the $64,000 question. The Giants have been playing better on defense and their third down defense has gotten much better lately. We don't think the Giants defense is going to have to win this game for them. They just need to play steady as she goes. Turnovers are frosting today. Tasty pigskin flavored frosting. Just keep Atlanta in check, say 17 points and around 100 yards rushing. Every yard less than 100 for the Falcons run for squeezes a little bit more life out of them.
Special teams. Every fan of every team at playoff time says the same prayer "Do NOT screw us oh special teams." Again, steady as she goes.
We'd also give the nod to coach Tom Coughlin in this one. No way he's ever going to go for a 4th and 1 from his own 30 in overtime in Madden football let alone a real game.
So, with a trip to scenic Green Bay in January on the line the fearless forecast says:
New Jersey Giants 30
Atlanta Falcons 20
Weather, gorgeous, advantage Falcons. No, really. The Falcons rely heavily on the ground game. The Giants front four could have a much easier time bottling that up in the snow or sleet or a cold rain. Matt Ryan won't have to face those famous swirling Meadowlands-area winds. All in all this isn't bad for a dome team to have to play in.
As for Matt Ryan and Eli Manning (We notice those Mark Sanchez Toyota ads have gone missing), Advantage Giants. Eli is playing well, he's playing with confidence. Matt Ryan is still in search of a signature win. Sooner or later every one of these up and coming next great talent QB is going to need to win a playoff game on the road. Ryan still hasn't done that. Until he does we feel pretty safe to say unless Eli got some bad butter on his toast for breakfast he's the better quarterback.
Can the Giants stop Atlanta on the ground? That's the $64,000 question. The Giants have been playing better on defense and their third down defense has gotten much better lately. We don't think the Giants defense is going to have to win this game for them. They just need to play steady as she goes. Turnovers are frosting today. Tasty pigskin flavored frosting. Just keep Atlanta in check, say 17 points and around 100 yards rushing. Every yard less than 100 for the Falcons run for squeezes a little bit more life out of them.
Special teams. Every fan of every team at playoff time says the same prayer "Do NOT screw us oh special teams." Again, steady as she goes.
We'd also give the nod to coach Tom Coughlin in this one. No way he's ever going to go for a 4th and 1 from his own 30 in overtime in Madden football let alone a real game.
So, with a trip to scenic Green Bay in January on the line the fearless forecast says:
New Jersey Giants 30
Atlanta Falcons 20
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Big big NFL weekend on tap
AND we get a New York team added to the mix in arguably the most attractive game of the weekend (which is why it's the late game on Sunday). So without further ado, Johnny's fearless football forecast:
Green Bay at Atlanta -- Atlanta, a dome team is at home throughout. They have a great young quarterback in Matt Ryan who has a spectacular record at home. Almost unbeaten. That great record however was built in the regular season. The playoffs are a different animal. Aaron Rodgers has been playing whip smart and he too needs to establish some playoff credentials. Consider this the monkey off your back win between Rodgers and Ryan. Atlanta runs the ball well. The Packers can shut down that run AND when they do and force Atlanta to pass, well they've got that covered too. Upset call Packers 27, Falcons 17
Baltimore at Pittsburgh -- As a Browns fan whose team is regularly decimated by both these division rivals Johnny would rather chew foil while getting a Brazilian wax than see either team win. There are some days these teams play and Johnny hopes for a Hindenburg moment where the blimp crashes on the field while they play. At least Johnny deep down respects all the Stoolers have achieved by being a smart franchise whereas the raves are basically still the Browns. A STOLEN team shall gather no win today. Pittsburgh 21, Baltimore 17
Seattle at Chicago -- Bear down Chicago Bears. Seattle will now have to give their souls to Satan on their way out of Soldier Field Sunday afternoon for their upset win over the Saints last weekend. Johnny thinks Jay Cutler can be brutal but it's January outside in Chicago and that's worth something. Chicago 16, Seattle 10
New York Jets at New England -- Jeebus Rex Ryan, just shut up. Your entire team is so worked up over trash talk and imagined trash talk (So much trash talk in fact the Ravens Terrell Suggs decided to weigh in with his own in a game he's not playing in). It'll be cold, it'll be snowy, it'll be in Tom Brady's house. Now, the Pats can be had at home, see the loss to Baltimore last season. Hard running and stout pass defense stopped New England cold. This is a much better Patriots side however. It boils down to this; Right now Johnny has more faith in Tom Brady to win a big game than Mark Sanchez. Belichick 30, Sexy Rexy 20.
Green Bay at Atlanta -- Atlanta, a dome team is at home throughout. They have a great young quarterback in Matt Ryan who has a spectacular record at home. Almost unbeaten. That great record however was built in the regular season. The playoffs are a different animal. Aaron Rodgers has been playing whip smart and he too needs to establish some playoff credentials. Consider this the monkey off your back win between Rodgers and Ryan. Atlanta runs the ball well. The Packers can shut down that run AND when they do and force Atlanta to pass, well they've got that covered too. Upset call Packers 27, Falcons 17
Baltimore at Pittsburgh -- As a Browns fan whose team is regularly decimated by both these division rivals Johnny would rather chew foil while getting a Brazilian wax than see either team win. There are some days these teams play and Johnny hopes for a Hindenburg moment where the blimp crashes on the field while they play. At least Johnny deep down respects all the Stoolers have achieved by being a smart franchise whereas the raves are basically still the Browns. A STOLEN team shall gather no win today. Pittsburgh 21, Baltimore 17
Seattle at Chicago -- Bear down Chicago Bears. Seattle will now have to give their souls to Satan on their way out of Soldier Field Sunday afternoon for their upset win over the Saints last weekend. Johnny thinks Jay Cutler can be brutal but it's January outside in Chicago and that's worth something. Chicago 16, Seattle 10
New York Jets at New England -- Jeebus Rex Ryan, just shut up. Your entire team is so worked up over trash talk and imagined trash talk (So much trash talk in fact the Ravens Terrell Suggs decided to weigh in with his own in a game he's not playing in). It'll be cold, it'll be snowy, it'll be in Tom Brady's house. Now, the Pats can be had at home, see the loss to Baltimore last season. Hard running and stout pass defense stopped New England cold. This is a much better Patriots side however. It boils down to this; Right now Johnny has more faith in Tom Brady to win a big game than Mark Sanchez. Belichick 30, Sexy Rexy 20.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
