It would be legally, morally and ethically wrong to toss Gary Bettman off the Chrysler Building...

...but if someone decides to do it can you film it so the rest of the REAL hockey lovers can enjoy it many many times? Devils fans, your organization is complicit in this coming rant, you know Johnny loves you but, well, facts are facts.

Gary Bettman (hereafter to be known in this rant as "Commissioner Jackhole") has shut down the NHL again for a few of his owner friends. Not ALL owners mind you, no, just these captains of industry who demand to own a team in a SOCIALIST system. Set salary caps, tax the workers more every time to put money in the state's hands. When you want to extract more money just shut down the plant. Yes many of Commissioner Jackhole's "southern strategy" teams aren't doing so well. All that buy in cash in the form of franchise fees is long gone, those teams never could support themselves and it kicks off this spiral of lockout after lockout after lockout (3 on Mr. Jackhole's watch as the NHL's fearless leader).

Like we said, not all owners are with the Commissioner on this. They have successful teams built the right way. Unlike say, mmmm, The Minnesota Wild. A team that just busted the bank for two all-star players KNOWING they were in mere months going to look to Gary Bettman and say "Cut their piece of the pie, it's killing my bottom line. I just can't do business like this."

In other words it's not "don't stop me before I spend again" but "please protect me when I do."

If I were a Devils fan I'd be very worried right now. They are ready-built hockey "markets" out there like Kansas City, Portland/Seattle (because Vancouver needs a playmate) and some say they might put a professional team in Columbus one day. Honey Badger Gary doesn't give a shit as long as there might be a couple more franchise fees to gnaw on.

Something else Commissioner Jackhole won't discuss that much folks, revenue sharing. These failing franchises are being wheezed back to life yearly by the revenue sharing wherein teams like the Rangers, Red Wings, Canadiens, Flyers and a few others pay millions to prop up Nashville, Carolina, Florida, the artists formerly known as the Thrashers, Phoenix and a handful of others (Yes Devils this is where you fit in). More socialism from the lower end owners again. See if this is how business works; The Canadiens pay X millions in revenue sharing and money from that pot goes to say Nashville so Nashville has money to bid against the Canadiens for free agents and such. And as long as this kind of untoward thing goes on should these poorer market owners be able to shake down the players for more money after the players caved 7 years ago to the owners demand of a salary cap? These owners signed that deal.

Commissioner Jackhole you come off as a miserable little petty man in all this. A sniveling huckster who happens to have a trump card. You sneer from behind your office windows at hockey fans you spew platitudes at. You don't know how hockey fans feel because you're not one. You had never attended an NHL game before you became commissioner, you said it yourself.

Johnny's going to give the last words on this to Steve Simmons of the Toronto Sun:

Almost every time Gary Bettman opens his mouth, I have this tendency to want to slam my fist right into it.

And I’m not, in any way, what you’d call a violent person.

It’s his way, his voice, his condescension, his verbal cadence, his don’t-you-understand-I’m-the-smartest-man-in-the-room vibe that makes him so impossible to believe or trust.

So here we are again, held hostage by the NHL boss for the third time — a distinguished record of most work stoppages by one commissioner — with an absolutely unnecessary lockout, his league with record revenues, the players with record high salaries, fighting over increments and percentages. And this time, without a need to change the game, without a philosophical argument, with Bob Goodenow long gone, there is no one to truly detest from the players’ side.

This time it's official, Zach Parise signs with Minnesota Wild

No rumors this time kids, just facts. Zach Parise has signed a 13 year deal worth $98 million dollars with the Minnesota Wild. The Wild also broke the bank to sign free agent defenseman Ryan Suter as well.

Both players have cited it being important to be close to family and friends; Parise is from Minnesota and Suter is just an hour east in Madison Wisconsin. That's great. We are happy both will be able to get rich and play in front of family and friends for a long time. But Ryan and Zach, do NOT tell us you signed in Minnesota to win a Stanley Cup. YOU. DID. NOT. No, you told us you didn't want to play under the white hot spotlight of Detroit or Pittsburgh or even Chicago, all cities that have recently won the cup. You don't want the pressure or the hassle of winning the cup? You've made the right choice. Enjoy obscurity and an occasional #7 or 8 seed in the playoffs and an early exit back to your family and friends.

Oh those wacky people from Tennessee

Upset one of his own citizens wasn't somehow smart enough to check beforehand what New York City's gun laws were (ie see Burress, Plaxico) before bringing a weapon to the World Trade Center memorial, a Tennessee state representative is issuing thinly-veiled threats to New York drivers who may be driving through the Volunteer State. Representative Frank Niceley said in a self-described "tongue-in-cheek" statement that "Be it further resolved that we remind the citizens of New York, especially those residing in New York City, to drive carefully through the great State of Tennessee, paying extra attention to our speed limits."

Thanks Frank, we'll be suuuuuure to note that. Mayor Bloomberg's spokesmodels sure did: "We agree, everyone should use common sense—which is what prosecutors in New York do," Bloomberg spokesman Marc LaVorgna responded. "Common sense also includes checking gun laws before traveling—something even the NRA tells people to do."

Burrrrrrrrrrn.

Since Mr. Nicely is such a fan of tongue-in-cheek proclamations we have a few of our own for the good people of Tennessee when it comes to dealing with New Jersey and New York:

1) Be it resolved that no moonshine may be brought into New Jersey or New York.
2) Be it resolved that no citizen of Tennessee married to a relative shall have their marriage recognized by the states of New Jersey or New York.
3) Be it resolved no more elephants be hung in Tennessee. Yes, we said no more elephants being hung.
4) Be it resolved that the Nashville Predators win a division title once in their franchise lifetime before they have been in the league 20 years.
5) Be it resolved that Tennessee drop Dolly Parton as their state bird.

There you have it Mr. Nicely, you pass these along to your constituents as they enter the Cracker Barrel...