Sunday, February 5, 2017

Another Super Bowl, whoopiteedoo!

Every year America loses it's mind over the Super Bowl. Everyone but Johnny. He's a Browns fan. Do you know how horrid it is NEVER cheering for a team in the Super Bowl EVER? Sure, you might not like one team, Dallas, Pittsburgh, Baltimore, Denver and New England all roll of the tongue but they've all won shitpiles of Super Bowl trophies. The Browns (and Lions and Jaguars) have never been. Yes, so "Go other guy" gets real old real fast.

But Johnny. those ads, they're the best. Well, maybe some are but some won't be. Two words, farting horse. Besides, the Super Bowl ads didn't all used to "leak" (no doubt by the companies themselves believe it or not) a week before. Watch them now if you want at your leisure. The Wizard of Oz kind of lost some of it's mojo once it wasn't on teevee ONCE a year around Easter time. That was it. You saw it or you lost. With basic cable it was on TBS and elsewhere all the time. Those 1984 Apple and Mean Joe Greene Coke ads are a bygone era. Ads built for impact not entertainment value to be viewed on YouTube on a loop.

The players Johnny, you've gotta love those players. Johnny's a Michigan State fan and Tom Brady went to Michigan. Johnny is a Browns fan and Falcons starting center Alex Mack bolted the Browns first chance he got. Hall-of-Famer in-waiting Joe Thomas is the answer to the immediate question/statement about leaving the Browns that jumped to the front of your mind.

Some of those halftime shows though, they've been great you cynical Johnny you. What if we, as a nation, see another boob? What if we as a nation have to watch another rock star or band mail in a performance with local kids ambling around on the field while they play the worstest ever thing in music, "the medley." Lady Gaga seems like a great person who truly has her head and heart in the right place but Johnny's not a fan of her sound. Gladiator fights. Now THAT would bring Johnny back for halftimes. Big old Punic War reenactments with flashing lights and great battle music. It's football, and gladiator fights fit that image perfectly. While Johnny's all about improving the Super Bowl while not watching it, here's a suggestion for those in power at the NFL to tune in more viewers (and he simply cannot believe you didn't come up with this yourselves, perhaps too busy molding fake patriotic initiatives eh?) and make the Super Bowl and ever BIGGER spectacle. The camera spends how much awkward time looking for celebrities in the crowd during the game? Screw that. Take the time you spend showing celebrities and use that for a replay or Troy Aikman drawing all over the screen. Why not have a Super Bowl RED CARPET arrival for celebrities? Celebrities LOVE this shit and for some reason people like seeing famous people on red carpets. So, NFL, have a red carpet show for all the celebs showing up before the game and then everyone will already know who's there. You're welcome.

Today however, for the first time in forever, Johnny's not going to a party, Mrs. Johnny is out of town, nobody is coming over. Johnny doesn't have to watch one goddamned minute and doesn't plan to. He may check the score online, he might goad fans on Twitter, but yeah, this Browns fan is done for the season.

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