Late night open thread

Tonight, some machine gun standup jokes by Henny Youngman

*My wife will buy anything marked down. She brought home two dresses and an escalator.
*I haven't talked to my wife in three days. I didn't want to interrupt her.
*I miss my wife's cooking - as often as possible.
*A woman wrapped herself in Saran Wrap to take off some weight. Her husband comes home, sees her, and says, "Leftovers again."
*That's a nice suit you're wearing. When did the clown die?
*I like the suit you're wearing. Who shines it for you?
*The convict was about to go to the electric chair. He called his lawyer for advice. the lawyer says, "Don't sit down."
*The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King."

*A panhandler says to me, "Mister, I haven't tasted food for a week."
I said, "Don't worry, it still tastes the same."

*A man can't find a lawyer. He picks up the Yellow Pages and he sees the firm of Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz & Schwartz. Calls them up and says, "Is Mr. Schwartz in?"
"No he's out playing golf."
"Well, is Mr. Schwartz in?"
"No, he left the firm."
"Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz."
"He is in Detroit and will not be back until next week."
Ok, how about Mr. Schwartz, then?"
"Speaking."

Time for Jersey City, After Dark