From actual resumes:
"Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription drugs."
"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
"Number of dependents: 40."
"They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions."
"The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers."
"I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."
"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
"Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."
Time for Jersey City, After Dark
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